properly celebrating a sunday

I had the honor of editing the student newspaper of covenant college, and with that weighty responsibility came the task of writing the bi-weekly editor's column. I hardly remember what any of these columns were about, but I do remember the old feeling of "I hate writing, but love having written." in any case, I'm sure I'd be embarrassed by most of them now. thankfully they werent online at the time.

anyway, here's a seasonal one I've kept around just for kicks. I dont think I'm very good at satire, but it was fun, and there's at least one or two lines I still enjoy. anyway, here's "Properly Celebrating a Sunday."

In these troubled times of fear and uncertainty, it is good to have leisurely outlets to remind us of what is important. In fact, I believe that we must stand up and finally recognize the value of such outlets, and I propose that we lobby our congressmen and women to include among our national holidays a day that would be celebrated for its own sake, a day not prostituted by extraneous influences, a day that is already celebrated by millions (if not billions), a day that we would officially recognize as the ultimate festival of our times: Super Bowl Sunday.

The national holidays that we currently celebrate just aren't doing the job any more. Perhaps when they were originally implemented they had some semblance of their true purpose, but now they all serve a subsidiary function at best. Christmas is no longer the mass of Christ: it's everything from claymation Rudolph to brawls at the toy store. Thanksgiving has devolved into sanctioned gluttony, appropriately leading into the excessive consumption of the holiday season, and culminating in New Year's revelry. Independence Day is now a pretext to bring together the winning combination of alcohol and gunpowder, and Labor, Memorial, and MLK days are gratefully acknowledged as days off work for who-knows-what.

Super Bowl Sunday deserves recognition for what it is, and the Super Bowl deserves to be celebrated not only in our living rooms and barrooms, but all across the land, if not the entire world. If we implemented Super Bowl Sunday as a national holiday, we would finally have a holiday that we could celebrate in good conscience, and the true beauty of the celebration would soon be obvious. Of course we would have Monday off work, as is the case when one of our current national holidays falls on a weekend, but this would only be icing on the football-shaped cake.

Unlike many of our current outdated holidays, we wouldn't have to worry about any religious hang-ups. No color or creed would be left out, although those who are so inclined could summon their chosen deity to ensure victory for their team. The Super Bowl is already a global event, and if we (being the recognized leaders of the free world) declare Super Bowl Sunday as a national holiday, we might awaken the rest of the global village, and we just might have the first holiday celebrated by every tribe and nation on earth. We already have the common experience of the Super Bowl; now we must unleash and harness its power by proper observance, and thereby unify the all peoples of the world.

We wouldn't have to lie to our schoolchildren when they ask why we celebrate Super Bowl Sunday, for the true meaning of Super Bowl Sunday is the Super Bowl itself; nothing more, nothing less. Of course not even Super Bowl Sunday would be immune to the desecration that corrupts our current holidays, but it would stand a better chance of being celebrated on its own terms. Indeed, it would be the only honest holiday we would have.

If we celebrated Super Bowl Sunday as we should, we would finally recognize our true national pastime: watching sports. As people lucky and smart enough to have the money and technology to take care of most of our daily labors, we have every right to spend our time as we wish, and the celebration of Super Bowl Sunday would also be a celebration of our free choice to exercise neither body nor brain. Nothing would be more appropriate than the celebration of entertainment by actually entertaining ourselves in glorious unison.

Perhaps the best reason for the officialization of Super Bowl Sunday is its universal appeal: even those who have no interest in football watch the Super Bowl. If Super Bowl Sunday was a celebration of only football it would be absurd to consider it for national holiday status (if we were going to celebrate a sport for its own sake it would clearly have to be fly-fishing). Super Bowl Sunday is an event like no other, for many of the celebrants take part in the festivities for one special reason: the commercials. The ad companies must get a sinister chuckle out of this, but these viewers may be closer to the true meaning of Super Bowl Sunday than your local Eagles fanatic.