I'm a jerk

the other day I was hanging out with some friends, and we were chatting away about local schools and whatnot (the latest news here is how they're making big cutbacks at schools). I'm only slightly interested in this topic, but one friend made a comment about teachers that I disagreed with, and I said so. no big deal, we can disagree.

my thoughts wandered to a small favor that I needed from this friend in the near future, as he continued on with his points and arguments. so I butted in quickly and half-jokingly said, "hey ignorant-about-teachers guy, can I get a favor?" that was the wrong thing to say. he got pretty mad, which surprised me, to say the least. so he stormed out of the room.

in about 5 minutes he came back, still quite mad, emphatically stating he wouldn't be doing me any favors. I quickly apologized, only to receive a reprimand and another reminder that he wouldn't be helping me out anytime soon. so he left our gathering. it happened so quickly that one friend didn't even notice what took place. I really really don't like conflict, so I was feeling pretty terrible.

so I was left to stew in my juices all night, which I suppose was good for me. at first I was surprised that I had so easily touched a nerve. kidding around is pretty normal when we get together. then I was incredulous that he would flip out so much, and proud that I quickly apologized, and haughty about him remaining so mad. what's his problem anyways?

but then I realized how much of a jerk I am without even noticing. sure I'm probably known as a "nice guy" most of the time, but not-so-deep-down, I think I'm better than everyone else. and since I usually run with other "nice" folks (or at least like-minded passive-aggressive folks), my unkindnesses are hardly reacted to in such a manner. and I've become so callous that I don't realize when I've cut someone.

so now I think that he had every right to freak out. when next we saw each other, I quietly apologized once more. and thankfully he accepted. even better, he explained how my style of cutting him down in an argument is so maddening. since I don't do well with arguments, I tend to avoid them. this he knows quite well. and I know well that arguments are something of a sport for him and a few others we hang out with. so it seems that instead of arguing, I just hack away with a few cutting words and pretend to be flippant about it (to keep my distance), and my "nice guy" persona makes it even worse.

a couple weeks ago I taught the vacation bible school kids a lesson on forgiveness. I emphasized how we need to forgive because Jesus forgives us. now I know a little better what it's like to be on the other side: I desperately need the forgiveness of others.

oh Jesus, save me from this sinful heart, and thank you for your forgiveness, and for enabling others to forgive me.